Afraid...and Half Naked

I smoke too much.
I don't drink enough....water.
kinda like the older days except I'm not only learning from past mistakes, but also learning ways to make new mistakes. Mistakes you wouldn't expect to be humanly possible, let alone probable. Yet still I astound and amaze, not ever in the way intended. That was meant to be heavily laden with sarcasm.
Witchy Woman-The Eagles .Sabrina The Teenage Witch.
I really am so sick of being human. I am a robot.

It has been quite some time...

I kinda miss doing this. Just letting my fingers glide all clackety across the keyboard.

Taking Back Sunday - Cut(e) Without the E From the Team

Progress. I keep getting closer, spending more time getting to know who you are. I can't see negative things, I see positive growth inwardly and emotionally.

What do i do with my life now?
How do I keep this treasure I've found safe and protected?
The map has always been my heart i think. Like in that one movie where it only pointed to what you truly desired.
but now I'm at a dead end and I'm broken down with my thumb out. How do I expect to pull rabbits out of hats? Not to say that monetary thoughts are primary , not at all. But there is a desire to have the mutual feeling of income, balance, respect, togetherness.
I want to grow old with you

Fuck. You.

I really wish you were here, wish that I didn't do certain things.

But on the other hand I think of how incredibly fucked I would have been if I had only stayed home, where I know things and people. 

Here I'm just a redneck out of place in a sea of new faces with no one to turn to and nowhere to find safe haven.

I ran away thinking I was so smart and that the plan was so perfect and well thought out.

Then literally everything went to shit. went from standing proud on top of the world to hiding down in the gutter, ashamed and cold, afraid to show my face. You finally broke me down below your level.

You stupid fuck. 

You wonder why people say you should work on your drinking and slow down. But now I hope you can see just how much it's killing you and your family. Not that it will change you .

Maybe they'll wise up and leave you high and dry back to dear ol' Daddy's house. 

and you say I'm a mooch. I'll have you know I slept in my car for two weeks rather than come back and ask you for a god damn thing. I'd rather shit in my hands and clap. 

I've wasted 8 years now on our friendship. You continually spat in my face and said all the while " look how much I've done for you" . Fuck You.

Help yourself , you clearly need it more than I. 

I'm homeless but at least I'm stable and at least fairly content with my situation. 

You have a lovely arrangement of nice things, a decent job, hot girl that lets you fuck her which I still can't grasp. Yet you treat her like shit and can't conform to the ideas of being open to anything at all that doesn't fit your exact criteria . I think she should leave you. She's stupid if she stays I think. But I'm entitled to my own opinion. I don't think she's stupid otherwise just to clarify. Not like anyone is even gonna read this unless I link them. 

anyway. . .


update.
12/17/16/
saw you in the parking lot. would have probably jumped in if you weren't in the car tbh. she's yelling my name out the window like I'm gonna turn around or something, I just kept walking right out of the parking lot where you never even turned around. Which is exactly why I kept walking 5 miles in the opposite direction of you.
Then I'm having lunch with a friend and " hey since it's the holidays, you ought to join us for dinner?"
:| really nigga...
why would I want to?
can't even try communicate for 4 months then we're just supposed to be back cool ? " didn't think you wanted to hear from me" no shit. I don't . 

it's all too much..I cant feel my lungs....collapse

theme for the moment, Close your eyes- Song For The Broken. sing it with me if you know it, if not oh well. i love it . i should be breaking down right now bawling, because my life is repulsive even to me. i have great friends and great music flowing through it though, so somehow i am bright and chipper for a few seconds.
She's my ride home- Blue October. I miss talking/stalking to Dark.
I feel like i only come here when i need to express myself deeply and not let anyone know it. because who really ever comes here anymore?
*Only my real friends , thats who.
I don't tell my fake friends about this site/page/blog.
I feel alot of comfort in the most negative of things and situations sometimes.
like crying at a wedding, laughing to yourself when you know you're still last in line.
"i set fire to everyone around.....and i told you we'd do it, yeah we won!!"

A Gunshot , to the Head of Trepidation Part Deaux.

so yeah. i'm still alive .

sitting in a dark room with headphones on drowning the world out for an hour or two. my own little land of make believe. not as happy or bright as you may imagine, but this is My domain , i decide who lives or dies here , and I make the rules.

Jesus. what the fuck.

i've lost my touch apparently.

Welcome to my inner sanctum.

its not much, please excuse the mess, i had no idea you were coming.

http://grooveshark.com/s/The+Downfall+Of+Us+All/4clN24?src=5

i r stoopid

why do these old feelings arise in the worst possible times? i want to open my mouth and say things that i never should but i keep it all locked away deep inside where it should stay. how long is this going to last? will it ever end? will either of us find happiness? in this life? and i dont mean just temporary happiness. real true happiness. i'm not talking about love either. that shit doesnt exist.
thats me in the corner. losing my sanity.
a fly on the wall.
if these walls could talk they would be admitted to an insane asylum.